


but if you're looking for fast love

by thatpynchbitch



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Casual Sex, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Ronan Lynch & Blue Sargent Friendship, Ronan Lynch Being an Asshole, Ronan Lynch is Bad at Feelings, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, noah still can't stay alive, past ronan lynch/noah czerny - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-07-23 12:34:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16159076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatpynchbitch/pseuds/thatpynchbitch
Summary: ronan lynch can't quit making bad decisions.adam parrish doesn't want to be one of them.





	1. all that I've got on my mind

**Author's Note:**

> based of the song fastlove by george michael

“Do you know her?” Gansey asked one night over pizza, gazing across the room at a petite waitress.

Predictably, Ronan replied, “How the fuck would I know some edgy waitress?”

“We come here quite often. I just thought it odd we haven’t seen her here before.”

“Maybe she’s new or something. I don’t give a fuck.” Ronan considered why Gansey himself might give a fuck and glared at him. “Why? You got a hard on for the help now?”

Gansey was unfazed; he knew better than to meet fight fire with fire when it came to Ronan. “She seems interesting, that’s all. Besides, I  _ am _ allowed to go on dates. You can’t be jealous.”

This statement only hardened the other boy’s glare. “Don’t flatter yourself, Dick. I don’t give a shit whose throat you choose to shove your tongue down.” Gansey winced at his bluntness.

_ Of course _ Ronan knew Gansey would date some girl eventually. He’d made it very clear when they’d first started fooling around that he was  _ bisexual heteroromantic _ , and that it was impossible for whatever they had to ever lead to a relationship. Not that Ronan wanted one, anyway. It was never like that with the two of them. They were just friends. Friends who were too fucked up for anyone else to desire them, friends who started turning to each other because there was no one else.

Still, Ronan wondered what would happen to their friendship if Gansey got a girlfriend. It wasn’t that the waitress seemed like a possible candidate, but now that the subject had been brought up, it was hard to let go of.

Gansey put an end to their conversation by waving over the waitress in question. She did not seem pleased to be waved down.

“Yes?” She somehow managed to convey a dirty look without actually changing anything in her facial expression, which impressed Ronan.

Gansey put on his famous  _ Richard Campbell Gansey the Third _ charm as he smiled at her. “Greetings. Blue, is it?” he asked, reading her name tag. When she didn’t offer a response, he continued, “Your outfit is magnificent. So unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.”   


Blue raised her eyebrows, glancing down at her hideous plaid skirt layered with torn black lace. “Do you actually need anything? ‘Cause I have tables to take care of.”

“I‒”

“Christ, Dick. Don’t pretend you give a shit about her ugly clothes. The quicker you tell her you just want to ask her out, the quicker she can turn you down, and then we can all be done with this conversation.”

Blue looked at Ronan appreciatively, like she just realized his presence. Ronan smirked at her and rolled his eyes in Gansey’s direction. Much to Gansey’s horror, she smirked right back. To top it off, she then asked, in a tone that lacked any of her previous annoyance, “And who are you?”

“No one you want anything to do with,” Ronan said, at the same time Gansey answered, “Ronan Lynch.” Even when he was incredibly jealous, he didn’t have it in him to be rude.

Blue made a point not to reward Gansey by acknowledging him. “Well,  _ Ronan _ , maybe I’ll see you around sometime.” Then she left, leaving behind a shocked Gansey and bored Ronan. 

Gansey was distant for the rest of dinner, which was only made worse when he saw that Blue left her number for Ronan on the bill. He finally broke his silence when they were leaving, after Ronan actually took the piece of paper, exclaiming, “You don’t even like girls!”   


Ronan rolled his eyes, the two of them climbing into the Camaro. “I thought it might be healthy for me to have a friend who I know I won’t sleep with.”

This made Gansey mostly return to his normal self as he let out a laugh. “You’re going to develop healthy habits now, Lynch?”

“We’ll see. It might be fun for a weekend.”

When they returned to Monmouth Manufacturing, though, it was clear he wasn’t going to do away with his bad habits.

Gansey relaxed back onto his bed in the center of the main room and patted the spot next to him. Ronan didn’t hesitate to flop down roughly on the bed, bumping into the other boy as he did so.

“Jesus. You can be so irritating.”

“I know. I’m irritating as fuck…” But the end of his sentence was muffled as he started kissing a line down Gansey’s throat.

He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “Maybe we should stop with all this,” he murmured, not because he thought it would happen, but because it had to be said.

“You’re gonna go back to girls now?” Ronan replied around his collarbone.

Gansey was able to roll his eyes even as he struggled not to let out a gasp. “It’s not ‘going back’ if I never went away,” he managed. “This probably isn’t good for us though…”

“Is anything?”

And that was that.

When it was over, and they were both sweaty, and Gansey could hardly do anything but lie back and stare up at the ceiling in awe, Ronan gathered up his clothes and strolled over to his own room. They never stayed together after, never held each other. Gansey probably wouldn’t mind, but it’d be too much for Ronan. He wouldn’t share a bed with anyone, not anymore. It would make everything too real, and he couldn’t risk anything that wasn’t just physical.

****

\---

****

The next morning, Ronan sat on his bed, bored. He hadn’t gotten a minute of sleep, but that wasn’t unusual. He wanted to do something, but he didn’t currently have any hobbies that didn’t make him hate himself, and he wasn’t really in the mood to hate himself today.

He thought about the waitress from the previous night and dug into his pocket to find her number.

“Hello?”

“Blue.”   


“Oh. Ronan?”

He just grunted in response.

“Hey. What are you up to?” she asked, as if they’d ever exchanged more than a few words.

“I want to be clear. I’m not going to date you.”

“Excuse me?”   


“I mean, if you’re looking for someone to flirt with and take to meet your fucking parents and kiss on Valentine’s day, that’s not me. No sex either.”

“Okay… So are you going to answer my question now?”

“What?”   


“What’s up?” she repeated.

“You don’t mind?” he said instead.   


Blue sighed, like she couldn’t believe they were still talking about dating. “No. I mean, I just thought it’d be cool to hang out. It’s hard to find people who aren’t full of shit.” Ronan smiled sharply at that. “But if you’re going to be all weird about it, we can just stop now.”

“I’m not gonna be weird. I just didn’t want your imagination getting all carried away. And I’m not doing anything today, by the way.”   


“Well, my friend and I were gonna go to the beach later. You should come with.”

“Sure. Whatever.”

She laughed. “I’ll see you in a bit then.”

He didn’t like to bother wasting his time exchanging goodbyes, so he hung up. When he left his room a few hours later, Gansey intercepted him.

“Where are you off to?”

“I’m hanging out with Blue. Why, are you horny again already?”

Gansey ignored his implication. “Blue the waitress?”

“No, Blue the crayon. Yes, the fucking waitress.”

“Can I come?”

Ronan sighed, but he couldn’t deny himself the opportunity to see someone who didn’t treat Gansey like he walked on water, so he said, “Whatever. Get your suit on.”

****

\---

****

“Ronan!” Blue waved them over to where she had set up an umbrella held together by various stitches of fabric. “Oh, great, you brought the president with you.”

“Hello. Jane, was it?” Gansey responded. Blue was stunned for a fraction of a second before shooting him a dirty look.

Just then, a scrawny boy with sunkissed skin emerged from under the umbrella. “Hey.” His voice was like honey, but only if someone was desperately trying to keep the honey trapped in its container.

Blue said, “This is my friend, Adam. Adam, this is Ronan and… Dick, was it?” She grinned mischievously at the look on Gansey’s face.

Ronan closed in on himself as he took in this new addition. Gansey brightened.

“Adam? Adam Parrish? You were in my history class last year!”   


Adam squinted for a moment before placing him. “Oh, right. You were that guy with an unhealthy obsession with Welsh kings. I’m surprised you remember me.”   


“Dude, you were a legend in that class. You even gave me a run for my money, and I’m a history major.” Ronan despised the way the word ‘dude’ sounded coming from Gansey’s lips; it reminded him of a politician trying to appeal to young people via social media. He also wasn’t a fan of this apparent obsession over some guy Ronan had never even heard about.

“Are you two finished? I think you have enough jerking off material, at least for now.”   


Adam snorted. Gansey said, “Ronan,” but didn’t chastise him further.

Blue interjected, “Is everyone done exchanging names and sizes? ‘Cause I don’t know about you guys, but I actually came here to swim.”

“Let’s go,” said Adam.

He was the only one properly dressed‒ or  _ un _ dressed for that matter. Gansey skillfully stripped off his shirt with all the seductiveness of a Calvin Klein model. He still had a prominent hickey on his collarbone from the night before, which Blue scoffed at before quickly averting her eyes from his toned chest. She threw off her shredded tunic to reveal a surprisingly simple one piece, then quite literally ran away into the waves. Gansey was quick to follow.

Adam was polite enough to wait for Ronan, who was taking his time for no reason other than the fact that he liked being a piece of shit. He finally tore off his black tank and kicked off his shoes. Adam pretended not to notice the black tattoo that spanned across most of Ronan’s back and spilled onto his torso, but Ronan was practiced at noticing the signs. As they walked, much slower than Blue, to the water, he studied Adam from the corner of his eye and tried to determine whether he’d be an easy catch. Not that he had to be easy‒ Ronan liked the chase‒ but he had to at least be willing.

He hadn’t always been like this. Actually, he used to detest anyone who thought of sex as such a casual thing; he had been the poster boy for monogamy. But when all that proved to be worth jack shit, he learned to turn off that part of his brain. Now, it was practically all he thought about, besides the occasional bottle of vodka.

So, yes, he immediately tried to assess whether or not Adam would meet him in the bathhouse when Blue and Gansey were distracted.

“Lynch, you’re going to burn up and get skin cancer if you stand out in the sun any longer,” Gansey warned as he and Blue took turns splashing each other.

“So what?” he called back, but he waded in nonetheless. Adam didn’t hesitate to join the other two. Ronan lagged behind, walking against the waves instead of swimming through them.

“Why do you always have to make everything difficult?” Blue complained.

Gansey answered, “Oh, he’s not being a total miscreant right now. He just can’t swim to save his life.”

Ronan scowled. Much to his annoyance, Blue and Adam burst out laughing. 

“You’re what, nineteen? And you can’t swim?” Blue sniggered.

“Twenty,” Gansey corrected, his smile bright.

“Whatever. I’m tall as shit. I can stand just fine.”

He immediately regretted saying that, as the three of them proceeded to move just far enough out that Ronan couldn’t touch the ground.

He crossed his arms even though they were under water. “You guys act like ten year olds.”   


“You’re right,” Adam said. “I definitely knew how to swim by ten years old.”

They all broke into another fit of giggles. Ronan just rolled eyes.

Blue swam over and clung to one of his biceps. “Aww, Ronan,” she gushed, holding back a laugh. “Did we hurt your feelings?”

He just pushed at her wet hair. “Shut up, maggot.” His voice was void of any malice, though.

****

\---

****

After they had tired themselves of the beach and their fingers were effectively pruned, they put their clothes back on and walked to an ice cream parlor down the street. Adam and Blue waited by the counter for the orders while Gansey and Ronan went outside to find a table.

“Do you get a gay vibe from Adam?” Ronan asked as they slid into the wire chairs.

Gansey sighed. “Ronan, you get a gay vibe from everyone.”

“Not true.” Though it kind of was, at least when he first met someone. “So, do you?”

“I don’t know. Probably not. Please don’t ruin this, though.”   


“How would I ruin it?”   


Gansey looked at him like a scolding father might look at his child when they ask why they’re in trouble. “We’ve only known him a day. I don’t want you creeping him out so that he never wants to hang out with us again.”   


“Translation: you don’t want him to tell _ Blue _ not to hang out with us.”

The tips of his ears turned pink. “Not true.” Ronan smiled sharply. “I like Adam, too. It’s like you said earlier‒ you need friends that are strictly  _ just friends _ .”   


“I don’t remember saying that. Besides, Blue can fill that role just fine.”

“I can fill what role?” Blue raised an eyebrow as she sat down, handing Gansey his cone.

“Nothing,” Ronan said, accepting his ice cream from Adam. Their fingers brushed against each other in the exchange, and he bit his lip as Adam turned away.

Typically, Gansey had to answer. “Ronan’s friend, of course.”

Blue grinned and reached out to ruffle his hair before remembering he didn’t have any. “You want to be my friend? You’re such a softie.”

“Not my words. I never said that.”

“I think I was wrong. You might be full of shit after all.”

The corner of Adam’s lips turned up at that. It didn’t escape Ronan that he didn’t talk very much. He could appreciate that; for all the time he spent running his mouth, Ronan wasn’t very good with words either.

As they ate their ice cream, they got to know each other better, mainly thanks to Gansey’s prodding. Similar to Gansey and Ronan, Blue and Adam were friends from high school who became roommates in college. Blue was an environmental studies major, while Adam was in the engineering program. Unlike Ronan, though, neither of them had dropped out after freshman year.

“What have you been doing with your life since, then?” Adam asked. He didn’t mean it rudely; he was just trying to figure out how Ronan survived.

“Same as I was doing when I was in school. Jack shit.” To top it off, he added, “Daddy made sure of that.”

Now, Adam rolled his eyes.

“What, you have a problem with it?” Ronan snapped.

“Ronan,” Gansey warned.

Adam said, “It’s fine. I should’ve figured, that’s all. I can smell the blind privilege off you from a mile away.”

“Oh, fuck you. You think I’m privileged because I have money? You don’t know shit about my life.”

Gansey looked uncomfortable as he tried to figure out how to restore the peace. Blue was about to intervene when Ronan abruptly stood up from the table and stormed off.

As he left, he heard Gansey murmuring to the others, stuff like _I’m sorry_ _about him_ and _just died_ and _having a hard time dealing with it_. He crossed his arms and didn’t slow down as his friend rushed to catch up with him.

“Ronan.” He kept walking.

“Ronan, come on.” Gansey grabbed his arm, forcing him to a stop. They were out of earshot from Blue and Adam now. Not that it mattered to Ronan, but he figured Gansey wanted to preserve his own pristine image.

“What do you want?”

“Ronan, you can’t just blow up on everyone you meet. Just because I put up with it doesn’t mean they have to.”

“‘Put up with it’? Jesus fuck, Gansey, stop treating me like I’m some broken toy. If I’m such a fucking chore, I can just move out. Then you won’t have to waste your time  _ fixing _ me.”

Gansey sighed and ran a hand through his hair. In that moment, he seemed much older than he was. Any traces of anger were gone from his voice as he soothed,“Ro, you know you’re not a chore. I just mean…” He searched for the right thing to say. “Do you think Noah would want you acting this way?”

That was definitely not it.

“Noah? The fuck does he have to do with any of this? I yelled just as much around him, and he fucking loved it.”   


Another sigh. “It’s not just about the yelling. It’s everything‒ the drinking, dropping out of school, sleeping with any asshole who gives you the time of day…”

“Fine, I’ll stop saying yes every time you beg me to fuck you. Are we done here?”

Gansey grimaced. “You know that’s not what I meant. I’m talking about worthless pricks like Joseph Kavinsky and whoever else you hide from me.” Ronan was ready to fire back another retort, but Gansey stopped him, laying his hand on the other boy’s cheek. “Come on… I just want to help you.” 

Ronan turned his face away, but his a tear landed on Gansey’s palm anyway.

“Go back to them. I’m fine. I just want to go home.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to‒?”

“Just go.”


	2. I miss my baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What do I want?"

It was still light out when Ronan got home, but he wasn’t put off by day drinking.

He grabbed a bottle from under his bed and took a swig. The liquid burned his throat; the first few drinks always did. Stumbling over to the desk that had been obsolete even before he had quit school, Ronan eased open the top drawer. He lifted the bottle to his lips once more.

Everything was still there, as it should’ve been. Ronan could never bring himself to throw away the photos, or even move them from their spot in this drawer. They were the last thing remaining, besides the invisible weight that Ronan carried with him each day. Without them, there’d be no evidence Noah had ever been here.

He took another drink.

_ Fuck Gansey _ , he thought. He had no right to bring Noah up like that. He wondered if Gansey had known how much of an effect it would have on Ronan‒ if he wanted to hurt him‒ or if his friend really was just that fucking oblivious.

It didn’t really matter either way. He was here now. Trapped beneath self-pity and the burden of old memories.

When he’d first met Noah, the two of them had still been trudging through Aglionby in their choking neckties and too-clean chinos. Like most things in Ronan’s life, he’d been Gansey’s first. But Noah took a liking to Ronan, what with his offensive humor and the feeling that one was always teetering on the brink of danger around him. Soon they were cutting class to steal kisses in storage closets and sitting in Ronan’s BMW exchanging rare, soft moments where they said all the things that they were usually too cool to confess.

Gansey hadn’t been a fan of their relationship. It was one thing he couldn’t control, and that didn’t sit well with him.

Even now, Gansey couldn’t appreciate what they had had. He would insist that Noah was simply Ronan’s first love, the sort that everyone has in high school, and that their relationship wasn’t anything to go ruining the rest of his life for.

    As if he knew anything about love. Anything he’d ever had close to resembling a relationship was incredibly lacking in depth: experimenting with Ronan when they were young, Ronan harboring a childhood crush on his best friend and Gansey still trying to figure everything out; testing out several girlfriends for the rest of high school and into the beginning of college, none of whom stuck; and finally, going back to Ronan after Noah’s death. It was an unsatisfying cycle that no one involved wanted to be a part of.

    So, yeah, Ronan didn’t take his opinion to heart.

    He downed the rest of his drink as he flipped through the thin pile of pictures. As always, he was filled with regret that they didn’t have much to show for their relationship. They were never the type to take romantic photographs and write each other love letters‒ that shit was way too cheesy for Ronan’s taste‒ but now that he knew that he could only rely on the past, that there were no new memories to be made, he sort of wished they had been a little more cliché.

    He dropped his empty bottle on the desk. Then, for good measure, he picked it back up and flung it at the wall, shattering it into a hundred tiny pieces. He felt a little better. It was easier to turn his thoughts into anger than to allow them to make him cry.

 

\---

 

Quite some time later, Ronan was interrupted by the impossibly infuriating sound that came when a group of people tried to be quiet but were having too much fun to actually succeed in doing so. He groaned and threw his pillow over his face. He hadn’t been asleep, but still. It was late, and the principle of it annoyed him.

Someone knocked on his door.

“The fuck you want, Dick?”

“Um. It’s Adam.”

Interesting. Ronan sat up.

“Come in.” He did. “Close the door.” He did, this time with a little confusion.

“I just wanted to say sorry for earlier. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Adam scratched the back of his head when Ronan didn’t respond. “Uh, Gansey wanted to see if you wanted to come out of your room. I think we’re gonna start a game of pool.”

“And what do  _ you _ want, Parrish?”

Adam looked startled. Ronan couldn’t tell if he was stumped from hearing his surname or by the question itself.

    “What do I _want_?”

    He slid off his bed now, standing in front of Adam. “C’mon. Gansey won’t mind. We can make up some excuse after.”   


“After what?”

    “Don’t play coy, Parrish. I saw the way you were eyeing me earlier… It’s fine. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.”

    “I don’t‒”

    Ronan stepped forward so that they were a breath apart. His hands found their way to the waistband of Adam’s shorts as he leaned in to kiss him. There was nothing romantic about the kiss; it was rough and hungry and desperate. Adam let his body think for him for a few tantalizing seconds before he came to his senses and shoved Ronan away from him.

    “What the hell?”

    Ronan wiped his mouth and looked away. When it became clear he wasn’t going to say anything, Adam sighed. “Are you seriously just gonna stand there after you just assaulted me with your mouth?”   


“Hey,” Ronan snapped. “I did not  _ assault _ you. Jesus, fuck. I’m not kissing you now, am I?”   


    Adam ran a hand through his dusty hair. “Okay.” There was an awkward pause. Ronan didn’t break it, which earned another sigh from Adam. “Look, I’m sorry if I… led you on  or something? I didn’t even know you were…”

    “What? A fag?” Ronan bit out. He hated that he wasn’t even going to say the word  _ gay _ . What a piece of shit.

    “Christ, Ronan,  _ no _ . That was so not what I was going to say.”   


    “Whatever.”   


    “Why am I even the one apologizing here?  _ You’re _ the one who came on to  _ me _ . Aren’t  you at least going to say sorry?”

Ronan just stared. Adam rolled his eyes.

“Guess not then.”

“Whatever,” Ronan said again. “You should get back to your threesome now. You’re gonna give Gansey blue balls.”

Adam didn’t bother saying anything else to him, and he left the door open like an asshole so that Ronan had to walk over and slam it himself as he tried to avoid Gansey’s gaze across the room.

 

\---

 

“So, Adam’s not gay,” Ronan announced the next morning, dropping into an armchair across from Gansey.

“What‒” Gansey’s eyes narrowed. “How exactly did you stumble upon that conclusion, Lynch?”

He rolled his eyes. “Does it matter? I’m just letting you know before you start masturbating to his GPA or whatever the fuck it is you people do.”

“Did you flirt with him or something? I told you I didn’t want you trying to hook up with him.”

“Sorry, Dad. I forgot that I live to obey your every command.”

Gansey took in a breath to calm himself. “I only wish that you’d do what’s best for you. Since you clearly lack the ability to do that on your own, I have no choice but to intervene.”

“Because,  _ clearly _ , I have no concept of what’s good for me,” Ronan replied sarcastically.

Gansey, too concerned with his own rightness, didn’t catch on. “Exactly!”

Ronan bit down on one of his leather bracelets. “Why are you so obsessed with what they think of us, anyway? You’ve spent exactly one day with them.”

“While you were off sulking, the rest of us actually had a swell time together. They’re good people.” Gansey eyed him. “A lot more pleasant to be around than some of the people I hang out with currently.”

Ronan knew Gansey was only messing with him, but he took the bait anyway. Just like Gansey knew he would. A sure way to get Ronan to do whatever he wanted was to use his insecurities in their friendship against him.

“Fine. From now on I’ll be on my best behavior.”

Gansey extended his arm to pet him on the head like a dog. “Good boy,” he teased.

With a bored tone, Ronan asked, “So, does Adam jerk you off now, or is that still fair game?”

Gansey stood from his own chair and climbed into Ronan’s with a grin. Ronan reached for the other man’s belt, ignoring the empty feeling that came with it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, guys, stick with me here. I promise pynch will get better


	3. all that bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Who said we were friends?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> important warning: this chapter includes some non-consensual content. good intentions, but still. no consent.

    For the next few weeks, Ronan kept his promise to be on his best behavior. Unfortunately, his version of ‘best behavior’ was much different than Gansey’s. He spent most of his time on the sidelines of the group, making offensive jokes and complaining about whatever asinine activity the others decided on that day. For reasons completely unknown to Ronan, the three of them‒ Gansey, Blue, and Adam‒ had decided to pretend that they had been thick as fucking thieves for several years, rather than one measly month. Suffice to say, as someone who actually _had_ known Gansey for the better part of his life, Ronan was not pleased by this sudden bonding.

    But, whatever. It wasn’t like his opinion meant a damn thing to anyone else.

    Things with Adam were somewhat better, though. Not that Ronan cared, now that he knew he wasn’t interested, but still. Their endless bickering was a lot more bearable than the way they had awkwardly tiptoed around each other for the first week or so after Adam’s rejection. At least now they could be in the same room as one another without Adam acting utterly repulsed by his presence.

    Currently, the four of them were squeezed into Gansey’s Camaro with Ronan riding shotgun. They were on their way to visit Gansey’s latest fixation: a field an hour away from the university, where there have been several reports of ‘strange happenings.’ What exactly those strange happenings were, no one knew, but it was enough to sell Gansey.

    “It’s a patch of dirt,” Adam noted once they had reached their destination.

    “It’s a patch of dirt,” Ronan mocked in a high-pitched voice, causing Adam to roll his eyes.

    Gansey looked around. “No. No, there’s something more.”

    Blue hugged her arms to her chest. “Why is it so chilly? It’s the middle of summer.”

    “Cold spots.” Gansey’s eyes were bright with hope. “That could indicate a certain degree of paranormal activity. Perhaps a ghost.”

    “Or maybe if we’d all checked the forecast, we would’ve known to bring sweatshirts,” Adam said dully. Gansey frowned for a moment before remembering who he was, then he slipped his easy smile back on.

    Ronan glared at Adam. “Must you always be such an asshole?”

    He scoffed. “You’re one to talk.”

    “Whatever. Nobody likes a skeptic.”

    Adam didn’t offer a response, just crossed his arms and stared out at the empty field. Gansey was kneeling in the dirt, feeling the ground. Blue looked around curiously before dropping beside Gansey. Ronan sat next to her in the hopes that Adam would feel like a jerk, the only one left standing.   

    While Gansey pawed around for Jesus’s pulse or a pot of gold or whatever the fuck he thought he’d find, Blue started to absentmindedly make shapes in the dirt with her finger. Ronan defaced her stick figure with a crude symbol, and she smirked before drawing a big cartoon heart around the whole image.

    “I think we should walk a little further. I don’t feel anything here.”

    No one commented on the absurdity of this. They let Gansey pull them further, enchanting them with his nonsense. For hours, they explored the field, with its dirt paths and tall grasses, until finally they had to leave so that Adam and Blue could get to work on time.

    The sun was setting as they dropped Adam off at his and Blue’s apartment. He still had to get dressed, and he insisted that the garage he worked at was close enough to walk. The Camaro had just started to pull away to drive to Nino’s when Blue said, “Wait!” Gansey pressed on his brakes and gave her a questioning look. “He left his wallet.”

    “Oh! Ronan, go run it back to him.”

    Ronan sulked. “Why me?”

    “Seriously, Lynch? You’d have to get up anyway to let Blue out, so you might as well just do it yourself.”

    “Fine.” He reluctantly took the wallet from Blue and got out of the car. As we walked toward Adam, he glanced at the ID that was visible from the outside of the wallet. His eyes paused with hesitant curiosity at the birth date.

    “Parrish.” Adam turned. “You left this.”

    “Oh, thanks,” he said, accepting the wallet. Ronan didn’t move. Adam stood there awkwardly before shoving his hands in his pockets. “See you tomorrow, I guess.”

    Instead of leaving, Ronan asked, “Your birthday is next week?”

    Adam closed his eyes. “Don’t say anything about it to them.”

    Ronan wasn’t one to have any interest in the personal details of someone else’s life, so he surprised himself when he asked, “Why?”

    “I just don’t want to make a big deal of it, okay?”

    “Whatever, man. I don’t give a shit.” He walked back to the car and slammed the door. Blue was leaning forward to talk to Gansey when he slouched into the passenger seat. He wondered how it was possible that she didn’t know her best friend’s birthday. He wondered what it meant that he was the only one who knew.

    He stopped himself from continuing that train of thought. It wasn’t like Adam _offered_ him that information; Ronan was just a nosy piece of shit. And what did he care, anyway? He had no interest in being someone Adam trusted. None at all.

****

\---

****

    “You called Adam white trash?” Blue interrogated him a few days and a dozen fights later.

    Ronan looked up at her from the armchair he was lounging on. Gansey was at the library; Blue must’ve let herself in.

    “He told you that? Christ, I didn’t know this was the second grade. Are you gonna put me in time out?”

    She crossed her arms defiantly. “It’s not like that. Adam can fight his own battles. I’m just telling you that it was rude. Also, I’m tired of listening to him vent about how much of an asshole you are.”

    “Wow, what a good friend you are, Sargent. I’ll be sure to let him know that you can’t stand talking to him.”

    “That’s not what I‒ I didn’t mean it that way!”

    “Don’t worry, mother. I won’t actually tell him you said that. You can go home and fuck each other in peace.”

    Blue wrinkled her nose. “Do you always have to be so disgusting?”

    “Is that what Adam says when you cream all over his sheets?” he asked.

    “God, Ronan. You know, sometimes I really wish we weren’t friends. You make everyone around you miserable.”

    Dangerously, without thinking, he replied, “Who said we were friends?”

    Blue’s spunk deflated instantly. She gaped at him in shock, her face streaked with hurt. He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. The best he could manage was to keep his mouth shut‒ not inflicting any more damage, but not fixing any, either.

    She didn’t say anything else, and Ronan was thankful for it. He didn’t think he could handle anything more. Blue sniffed and stormed out of the apartment. Even through the closed door, he could hear her stomping down the stairs.

    Whatever.

****

\---

****

    When Gansey came home, hours after Blue had left, Ronan didn’t say anything about their fight. He didn’t say anything about how sick of fighting he was; he didn’t say how it was all he knew. He didn’t say how much he hated Adam, or how he wished they got along better, or how those two thoughts were constantly at war with each other in his head. He definitely didn’t say he missed Noah, and how the six-month anniversary of his death was approaching, and that he worried more and more that he couldn’t take it any longer‒ living in this world when Noah no longer could.

    In fact, Ronan didn’t say anything at all. He just looked at him, already spread across the bed in the center of the room. Gansey, of course, knew what he needed without even asking, because he always did. It struck Ronan that for the rest of his life, this would be the best he would ever get. He didn’t know whether to be relieved or utterly depressed over that fact.

    Gansey crawled on top of Ronan, his legs on either side of the other boy. He kissed Ronan’s mouth, his cheek, his jaw. He kissed a trail down his neck until he reached the top of his shirt, but then he just pulled that off and continued where he left off. He kissed and kissed and kissed, but it was too much, too little.

    “Too gentle,” Ronan bit out, turning his face out of Gansey’s view. The way Gansey was touching him was too soft, too reminiscent of something he couldn’t have.

    “Ronan,” he whispered, his lips still trying to cover every corner of Ronan’s body. “C’mon.”

    “No.” Gansey acted like he didn’t hear as he traced his hands over Ronan’s sculpted chest.

    “Stop.” Ronan pushed at his shoulders, and finally he pulled away.

    “What’s wrong?”

    “Just‒ stop.” Ronan took a shuddering breath. “Don’t‒ don’t touch me like you… like you love me or whatever. Fuck”

    Gansey ran a hand through his hair. “But I _do_ love you.”

    Ronan flinched and looked away. “You said you were hetero‒ heteroromantic. Whatever that shit was.”

    Quietly, he said, “I know. I am. But you’re my best friend, man. I still love you.”

    Ronan tried to take a deep breath. Gansey leaned back toward him, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. He murmured, “I love you more than anyone…”

    Ronan couldn’t stop the whimper that came from the back of his throat. He closed his eyes so that he wouldn’t cry. The only thing that could make this moment worse would be some goddamn tears.

    “Gansey,” Ronan mumbled. “Please, just…”

    “Hmm?” Gansey kissed his neck. He started to bite down, and Ronan thought finally he would get a little rough, but he was agonizingly slow as he made his love bite. Ronan found himself letting out a groan against his will, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to compose himself. It all felt too good. Too horrible, because this was not what he wanted or how he wanted it. He couldn’t have this.

    His body was betraying him, enjoying the pleasure even though he just wanted Gansey to get away from him.

    “I just want to make you feel better.”

    Eventually, he resigned himself to the inevitable. He let Gansey take his time with him. Then Gansey rode him, gazing into his eyes the whole time. It felt like it lasted for hours, though Ronan had no idea how much time had actually passed.

    Finally it was over. Gansey threw an arm around him, but Ronan shrugged him off and retreated to the shower, locking the bathroom door behind him. He stayed in there long after the hot water had turned cold, using up way too much soap. He was trying to wash away everything‒ the guilt, the pain, the regret, the _guilt_ ‒ but goddammit, it wasn’t working.

    He slowly dried himself off and pulled on his clothes from earlier. When he walked through the main room to get to his bedroom, Gansey was already asleep.

    Closing his door, Ronan slowly walked over to his desk. Pulling open the drawer, he retrieved his favorite photograph of Noah. His youthful face, captured in film by his sister, was unaware of the camera on him. He grinned stupidly at something out of frame, something Ronan never got a chance to ask Noah about.

    It was taken before Ronan. Before he’d ruined Noah.

    “I’m so sorry,” Ronan whispered to the fading image. He sat down cross-legged against his bed and held the picture close.

    “I’m so sorry,” he repeated. This was the only time he could say those words, the only person he’d ever apologize to.

    He continued, “I shouldn’t have let him do that. You don’t deserve this…

    “It’s still you, though. Only you. I‒ I love you, Noah. So damn much.” He didn’t stop to think about how crazy he was acting, talking to an empty room. This was his only option, and he had no choice but to believe Noah was listening. If he couldn’t hear his apologies, Ronan would never be able to live with himself.

    “Noah,” he said, just to feel like he was really talking to someone. “I’m not gonna… I’m never gonna love anyone else, okay? You don’t have to worry. No one can replace you. I promise.”

    He waited foolishly for Noah’s reply, like he always did. When it didn’t come, he took a deep breath and put the photo down. He stayed on the floor and leaned his head back. He tried to steady his breathing.

    He couldn’t help the darkness that managed to creep up on him. It always came. Sometimes he was able to keep it at bay for a little longer, but he couldn’t ever fully stop it. It owned him, and without those feelings, he wasn’t sure he knew who he was.

    When he couldn’t bear it anymore, he reached for his phone, hesitantly. He didn’t do this. It was against everything he was, and he wasn’t sure if there was anyone who could make him feel better anyway. But it was worse tonight, and he was scared of what he might do to himself, so he dialed one of the few phone numbers he had saved and closed his eyes.

    It rang and rang and rang, and then it didn’t.

    “Shit.” He redialed.

    This time, it went through.

    “Blue?” he asked, his voice weaker than he’d care to admit.

    “It’s Adam. I don’t think she wants to talk to you right now.”

    _Adam_. “Oh.”

    There was a pause. Then, with some uncertainty, Adam asked, “Are you… are you okay?”

    Ronan sniffed. “Of course I’m fucking okay.”

    He laughed a little, and it came out muffled over the phone. “Okay, then. Hold on a minute.” Ronan heard some shuffling and what sounded like a door closing before Adam said, “Okay. So…”

    “What do you want?” Ronan didn’t understand why he hadn’t been hung up on yet.

    “You’re the one who called,” Adam replied. All of his words seemed a little unsure, as if he didn’t know what he was doing with himself. “What were you going to talk to Blue about?”

    “Nothing. I don’t even know why I called.”

    Adam sighed a little, like he was warring with himself. “Listen, I’m not gonna force you to tell me all your problems or somethings. I have more important things to care about than some jerk’s feelings, okay? But if you were gonna talk anyway…”

    “Okay.” It made it easier when Adam said he didn’t care about him. Reassurance.

    “So?”

    “I just wanted to talk to her. To hear that somebody else is alive.”

    Adam didn’t seem to know what to do with this statement. “Oh. I‒”

    “What?”

    “You can be surprisingly profound.”

    Ronan wiped his face with the back of his hand. “Asshole.”

    “Yeah, well.”

    Ronan breathed in through his nose, long and slow.

    His voice closer to a whisper, he asked, “Are you ever afraid of yourself?”

    Adam took in a quick breath. “ _Yes_.”

    Ronan exhaled. “I‒ me too.”

    “All the damn time,” Adam said.

    “All the damn time,” Ronan echoed hazily.

    He remembered his conversation with‒ _to_ ‒ Noah, and he closed his eyes. “I have to go.” 

    “Oh.” If Ronan didn’t know better, he would say that Adam almost sounded disappointed. He did know better, though, and he knew himself, too, so he dismissed the thought. Adam was probably eager to get back to whatever he and Blue were doing, anyway.

“See you around.” 

    “Right,” Adam said. Ronan hung up. **  
**


	4. gotta get up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was Adam's birthday.

  

    It was Adam’s birthday.

    Ronan was reluctantly sitting in the backseat of the Camaro next to Adam, but only because he’d been trying to keep a little bit of distance between him and Gansey the past few days. He still felt uncomfortable from the last time they had sex, and the best way he knew to solve any problem was to pretend it didn’t exist. Blue was delighted to be up front for once anyhow. Somehow she’d managed to call shotgun, despite the fact that Adam obviously needed the leg room more. That was probably for the better, though, since Ronan was acting more cold than usual to her as well.

    It was already past nine, and the group was just now getting together. The others still didn’t know what day it was, and Adam had been working himself practically to death since early that morning. Ronan wondered what the hell the big deal was about his birthday. It seemed like a bigger hassle to hide the fact than to just come out and say it.

    “So, what are we up to tonight?” Blue asked, kicking her feet up on the dashboard.

    Gansey shrugged. “I hadn’t really thought that far out. Perhaps we could go to that sushi place again?”

    Adam tensed but said nothing.

    “That shit’s way too fancy,” Ronan butted in. “And they charge you, like, a hundred bucks for the crumbs on your napkin.”

    Blue huffed. “Since when do _you_ care about money?”

    Ronan kicked her seat. “Since I started having to spend it on whatever Dick wants to do.”

    “Seriously?” Gansey frowned.

    “Jesus Christ.” Ronan banged his head against the window. “Let’s just go to Insomnia Cookies and hang out downtown.”

    Gansey raised an eyebrow, the corner of his lips curving up. “‘Hang out downtown’? You can just say you want to stargaze, Lynch.”

    Blue giggled into her hand. Ronan kicked her seat again, a little harder this time. Adam glanced at him, then back at the floor of the car.

    “Fuck you guys. Are we going or not?”

    So they went. Ronan bought more cookies than four people should be allowed to eat, Blue crossed her arms (‘ _So_ now _you don’t care about money_ ’), Adam tried and failed to help pay, and then all of them walked to the small, square park downtown and sprawled out in the grass.

    “The chocolate chip ones are the best,” Gansey informed Adam as the other boy hesitantly eyed the cookies.

    “‘ _Chocolate chip ones are the best_.’” Blue mocked in a poor imitation of his posh accent. “Of course you would say that.”

    “It’s true!”

    “Right. And vanilla is your favorite ice cream flavor.”

    “It is!”

    She rolled her eyes at him and laughed as he tried to figure out what he said wrong.

    “Try this one,” Ronan said to Adam‒ softly, so that the others couldn’t hear. Not that it mattered, really; they were too caught up in their own banter to notice that Adam was the only one not eating.

    “C’mon.” Ronan placed a dark chocolate cookie in his hand. “It’ll actually be more rude if you don’t take it. Then I’ll have spent all that money for nothing.”

    Adam sighed and shyly took a bite. He didn’t seem to enjoy being watched, but Ronan really couldn’t help it. His dusty brown hair was all messed up from his tiring shift at work, and the shadows from the moonlight cut across his face so that his cheekbones were even more prominent than usual. He closed his eyes involuntarily as he tasted the cookie, and Ronan smirked.

    “Good?”

    Adam blushed, seemingly just now remembering Ronan’s gaze on him, and gave his onlooker a dirty look.

    “Parrish, you’re practically moaning. You’re welcome.”

    “Shut up,” Adam mumbled. “And I never said thank you.”

    “Don’t worry. It was implied.” He grinned and reached over to ruffle Adam’s hair.

    “Hey!” Adam yelped, but he was smiling, too.

    Ronan gave another sharp smile before dropping his hand and leaning back. He tilted his head up at the clear night sky and pointed.

    “That one’s Draco,” he murmured absentmindedly, mostly to himself. “And there’s Scorpius.”

    Blue asked, “You know constellations?” Apparently her and Gansey were done with their conversation. Ronan hadn’t even noticed they’d stopped talking.

    “Oh, yes,” Gansey answered for him, a hint of humor in his voice. “Ronan’s obsessed. He can give you the stories behind them and everything.”

    Ronan angrily bit at the bracelets on his wrist. “Not true,” he replied defiantly, though he just sounded like a stubborn child, since everyone knew to believe Gansey’s word over his.

    “Hmm,” Adam pondered. “Ronan Lynch: pretend badass, secret nerd.”

    Ronan glared and elbowed him. It was light, not meant to actually hurt him, but Adam violently flinched away nonetheless. Ronan raised an eyebrow, and Adam looked away.

    Blue said, “I _would_ invite you to watch stars together, but I forgot that we aren’t friends.”

    “Christ, Blue. Really?”

    Gansey scrunched up his nose in perfect curiosity. “What’s all this about?”

    “Oh, nothing,” Blue replied, overly breezy. “Ronan here just decided to let me know exactly how he feels about me. Which is indifferent, I guess, considering he said he’s not my friend.”

    Horrified at this new revelation, Gansey turned to Ronan like a disappointed parent. “Is this true?”

    “Jesus fuck. I wasn’t being serious. She was just being annoying. Like she is right now.”

    Blue snorted and crossed her arms, but she didn’t seem genuinely angry anymore. Good. There was one item checked off the very long list of things Ronan had to fix in his life.

    After they had all made their stomachs sore from eating too many cookies, and Ronan had reluctantly told them the mythology behind each of the constellations, they piled back into the Pig to drive everyone home.

    Blue took the front seat again, not because of any tension this time, but because Adam told her she could. Ronan sulked about this before Adam turned to him in the backseat.

    “Hey,” he said quietly. “Thanks. For tonight, I mean.”

    “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

    Adam rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, Lynch. Just‒ you’re not always a complete asshole, okay?”

    “Complete? Does that mean I’m still a little bit of one?”

    “Of course,” he replied, “ _asshole_.”

    Ronan grinned.

****

\---

****

    A few days later, Ronan was trying to take a nap on the living room sofa when Adam came in through the unlocked door.

    “You should really lock your door,” he said in lieu of a greeting.

    “You should really check that Gansey’s actually home before you barge in here. Some of us are trying to sleep.” Gansey had gone out to run errands, and Ronan had impolitely declined his invitation, even after Gansey had tried to bribe him with the prospect of driving the Camaro. Tempting, but he didn’t give in.

    “Sleep? At three in the afternoon?”

    “I don’t judge you for _your_ lifestyle, Parrish.”

    “Whatever. Anyway, I’m not here for Gansey,” Adam said, which was so the last thing Ronan expected that he had to ask, “What the fuck?” and then proceed to make Adam repeat himself three times.

    “Are the police after you? Do you need help burying a body?”

    “Christ, Ronan. No.”

    “Hey, I’m just trying to figure out what the fuck kind of shameful trouble you must be in for you to come to _me_ and not Father Gansey.”

    Adam sighed and pressed his face into his hand. “I’m not in trouble. Come on, get up. And put your swim trunks on.”

    Ronan squinted up at him, pretending to scratch his beard in thought. “I don’t know what type of weird porno you have in mind, but I don’t think it’s going to sell.”

    He just rolled his eyes and reached out a hand, which Ronan reluctantly took and used to hoist himself up. “We’re not making a…” He blushed then, causing a snort from Ronan. “I’m teaching you how to swim.”

    Ronan froze, all the humor leaving his face.

    “C’mon, Lynch. You have to learn eventually.”

    “Says who?”

    “Says all your friends, who will leave you behind to go to the beach every day if you don’t cooperate right now.”

    “Good, I could use a break from you losers anyway,” Ronan replied, ignoring the fact that Adam sort of just admitted they were friends.

    “Real mature, Lynch.”

    He ran a hand through his dusty hair, and Ronan took in his appearance for the first time since he’d been here. He was wearing a white T-shirt over his swimsuit, and he had a drawstring bag over his shoulder that was presumably filled with dry clothes. He was serious about wanting to do this, for some reason Ronan couldn’t understand.

    “Fine,” he ceded. He hadn’t realized before that Adam’s face was tense until it flooded with relief.

    “Great. I mean, cool. Go get dressed.”

****

\---

****

    “Are you going to stand there like the ugly girl at the prom all day?”

    “I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.”

    Ronan sighed and gestured to Adam’s T-shirt. “I _mean_ , are you going to stand there like a self-conscious little kid, or are you going to actually look like you’re trying to swim?”

    “One, I’d say you’re the one _trying_ to swim. I already can. And two, that’s a quite roundabout way to tell me you want to see me with my shirt off.”

    Ronan fought a blush. “Don't flatter yourself, Parrish.”

    “Right. Coming from the guy who pounced on me after, like, a minute of knowing each other,” Adam joked. Ronan bit his lip. This was foreign territory‒ neither of them had mentioned that time Ronan came onto him since it happened. To make it weirder, Adam didn’t even seem to be mad about it. He was laughing, for Christ’s sake.

    “Shut up. That was before I knew how much of a loser you were.”

    “Ditto,” Adam said, and he took off his shirt.

    Ronan looked away, trying not to wonder what the fuck that meant.

    “Now, are you done stalling? I don’t have the time to sit around all day _not-swimming_.”

    “Shut up,” Ronan repeated. He stuck a foot in the pool water to test it. Before today, he’d never been to the campus gym that was open to all students. He didn't even know there _was_ a pool.

    “Just jump in. It’s like, five feet. You won’t drown.”

    “I’m not scared of drowning.” But he stepped in with the ladder nonetheless. “How the fuck do you even teach someone how to swim?”

    Adam shrugged.

    “Of course,” Ronan muttered. It turned out that Adam’s legendary coaching technique was to explain the mechanics of swimming, as if that wouldn’t bore Ronan to death.

    “Got it?”

    Nope. “Yeah.”

    “Okay, now try to stay up without standing.”

    “What?”

    “You know‒ kick your legs, swim around in a circle‒ that kind of stuff.”

    “Whatever,” Ronan huffed. He tried to paddle around but ended up just looking like a disabled puppy. “This is stupid as shit.”

    Adam let out an unexpected laugh, then quickly covered his mouth. “No, you just need practice moving your legs around. That’s the key to staying afloat.” He considered for a moment. “Here‒”

    He stepped forward and hesitantly put his hands on the sides of Ronan’s chest, holding him up so that Ronan was floating on his stomach.

    “‒Now you won’t flounder. Focus on the kicking now.” His words came out fast and unsure.

    So he kicked, steadier than before. With every breath, he was aware of Adam’s hands on his torso, his long fingers feather light and delicate.

    “See?” Adam asked, his voice wavering a little.

    Ronan swallowed. “Yeah.” He became acutely aware of their positions: Adam had crouched down to get a better hold on him, and they were looking right into each other’s eyes. As with the rest of his appearance, Adam’s eyes were dully colored. Like someone had accidentally left out a tray of watercolors, and they all dried up.

    Ronan cleared his throat, causing Adam to startle and drop him. He opened his mouth to curse, but water poured into his mouth as he sank beneath the surface.

    He heard some muffled word from Adam‒ _shit_?‒ before he felt those hands on him once again, lifting him up from the water.

    “Are you okay?”

    He spit the remaining water in his mouth out at Adam. “Perfect.”

    Adam grimaced and wiped his face. “I think we’ve got a decent start. Let’s be done for today.”

    “Fine by me.”

    After they had dried off and changed in the locker rooms, Ronan glanced at Adam from the corner of his eye. “You wanna, like, get a pizza or something?”

    He sighed. “I have work.”

    “Oh,” Ronan said.

    “I‒”

    “I don’t give a shit either way. I just thought, since we were already‒”

    “No, no, I would. It’s just, my shift starts soon.”

    “Yeah. Whatever. Sure.”   

    Adam looked him in the eye. “Seriously. I would.”

    “Okay.”

    “Okay?”

“Okay,” Ronan confirmed. “See you around.”

    “Right. Gd’bye,” Adam replied, his sweet Southern accent coating each syllable. **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so it's been, like, forever and a day since I've uploaded, and I'm so sorry. I hope you guys are still interested in this fic. it's just been hard for me to be creative lately. I've been fighting the constant battle of suicidal ideation, snapping in and out of periods of not eating, a dying parent... all the Good Things. not trying to throw a pity party here or seek attention or anything; I just want to explain my delayed writing process. thank you to everyone who hasn't given up on this !!


	5. I don't even wanna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam frowned. “Is this alright?”  
> Ronan inhaled slowly. Was it alright?

    It turned out that the swimming lesson was more than just a one-time deal. Adam was fully committed to teaching Ronan how to swim. He showed up everyday, usually very early or very late, depending on his work schedule, and the two of them walked to the gym together and swam until either Ronan gave up or Adam couldn’t stand their bickering any longer. If Adam had time after they dried off and got dressed, they would grab a bite to eat.

Tonight, they ordered Chinese food and went back to Ronan’s apartment to watch a movie. Adam was flicking through the lousy Netflix options on Ronan’s laptop, their dinner spread across the bed.

After several minutes of perusing, Adam raised an eyebrow. “What kind of stuff do you watch on this, Lynch?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“The recommendations are based off of what you’ve watched.” He smirked. “And all that’s coming up are really shitty romcoms.”

Ronan fought a blush. “Not  _ all _ of it.”

“Oh, right. I forgot about the dog movies.”

“Shut up. I’ve never even used Netflix before. Gansey probably hacks into my account.”

“Sure.” Adam grinned.

Ronan turned his attention back to the menu screen and bit his lip. He didn’t know how to handle this new situation. He had grown used to their routine: meet up, swim, eat, part ways. Rinse, repeat. This movie night was completely foreign territory, and he had no clue how to act. They were crossing the line past casual, almost-friends into something real‒ which both infuriated and confused Ronan. Why the hell would Adam choose to be friends with someone like Ronan?

“How about a documentary?” Adam asked, to which Ronan gave an exaggerated yawn. “Or maybe horror? I bet you act tough but end up hiding under the blanket the whole time. Probably a secret cuddler as well.”

    Ronan glared at him. “Why even suggest it then?”   


“It’ll be very entertaining. For me, at least.” His smile remained even as Ronan tried to telepathically will it away.

    “Whatever. I don’t get scared, so go ahead and put on whatever lame ass movie you want,” he replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

    Adam snickered over his victory and selected some horror movie Ronan had never heard of before. He was expecting cheesy jumpscares and characters so stupid you don’t even feel bad for them, but of course Adam knew how to pick a film that was psychologically terrifying, even to Ronan. Why did he have to be so good at  _ everything _ ?

    Without even realizing it, Ronan had curled his legs into his chest and brought his blanket up to his chin. He wanted to look away but couldn’t quite bring himself to do so. He almost jumped out of the bed when Adam surprised him by leaning over and whispering, “Still not scared?”   


“Unfair,” Ronan mumbled. “You’ve seen this before. You have an advantage.”

    “Whatever you say, Lynch.”

    So Ronan worked harder to keep any outward signs of fear at bay. It worked, too, for a good thirty minutes or so, but then the real creepiness of the movie started to develop, and he couldn’t act normal if he tried.

    Unconsciously, he found himself flinching his head toward Adam every time he couldn’t bear to keep his eyes on the laptop. Each time he turned a little closer, and before he knew it, he was burying his head in Adam’s shoulder.

    Adam laughed at first, but then took pity and moved to wrap an arm around him. Ronan’s breath hitched, not from the movie this time.

    Adam frowned. “Is this alright?”

    Ronan inhaled slowly. Was it alright? It was nothing. Adam probably didn’t even mean  anything by it. He was just comforting his friend, and now Ronan was overthinking it way too much and probably making it awkward for Adam.

But what if it wasn’t nothing? What if Adam  _ did _ want something else? What if‒?   


“Yeah, it’s fine,” he finally said. Adam smiled then, a small thing that was almost missed. He rested his head on top of Ronan’s and returned his gaze to the movie.

It was still horrifying, but it was made a little better by Adam’s comforting touch and the smooth circles he rubbed on Ronan’s back that both of them pretended not to notice. Ronan was even starting to enjoy the plot a little bit when his door burst open and Gansey flew into the room, unannounced.

“Ro‒ oh.  _ Oh _ . Adam. Hello there.” He waved awkwardly and sort of paced around the door, unsure of what to make of the scene before him.

Ronan bolted from his spot on Adam’s shoulder and scooted to the opposite end of his bed. He glowered at Gansey, waiting for him to speak, but he seemed to have forgotten why he even came into Ronan’s room in the first place.

“There’s nothing to ‘oh’ about,  _ Dick _ . What the hell do you want? And when are you gonna learn to fucking knock?”

Gansey blinked, and he seemed to remember that he actually had a reason for barging in. “I was gonna ask if you could run out and grab some coffee.”

Ronan scoffed. “Seriously? That’s what you came in here for? Go get your own damn coffee.”

“I’m swamped with research right now. I think I’m finally on to something valuable, but I can’t get sidetracked.”

“Boo fucking hoo,” Ronan mumbled. “I’m not your waitress. Call Blue for that.”

“I never said‒ nevermind.” He ran a hand through his perfectly messy hair. “Just go back to… whatever it was you guys were doing.”

And with that, he left the room, making a point to close the door all the way. Ronan glared at the doorway even after Gansey was long gone.

Adam’s eyes flitted between Ronan and the now-paused movie, unsure of where they stood now. Ronan answered his unasked question by slamming his laptop closed.

“I should probably get going anyway,” Adam said, standing up as if it was his choice. “I have work early in the morning.”

“Right,” Ronan said gruffly. He still hadn’t met Adam’s eyes.

“Well,” Adam paused at the door. “I’ll see you, I guess.”

“Sure. Whatever,” Ronan answered. He closed his eyes as he listened to the door shut.

    Not five minutes after Adam left, Gansey made a reappearance.

    “Christ, Dick. That’s twice in one night! Learn some fucking manners.”

    “Listen, Ronan. We need to talk.”   


“No, dear, you don’t look fat in that shirt. And yes, you’re far prettier than her. Are we done here?”

    “Enough with the games, Ronan. Could you be an adult for five seconds?”

    “One, two…” Gansey gave him an unimpressed look. Ronan sighed. “Fine. What do you want?”   


“What’s been going on with you lately? You can only stand to be around me when we’re with the group, and now what? I never see you anymore. You spend all your time with Adam these days, which I’m not even going to attempt to understand, but‒”

    “All my time? Just because I don’t spend all hours of the day up your ass anymore doesn’t mean you have to act like a jealous little bitch.” He crossed his arms then, standing up so that Gansey wasn’t looking down at him.

    “You think I’m  _ jealous _ ? That’s rich. Leave it to you to take good-natured  _ concern _ and turn it into something ugly.”

Ronan seethed. Of course that was what Gansey thought of him, deep down. Ugly. He was just another toy for Gansey to entertain himself with. And when he couldn’t play with his toys, he threw a fit.

“Sure, you’re just  _ concerned _ ,” he said lowly. “Concerned that I might actually be becoming my own person instead of your little puppy. Concerned that you won’t be able to pat yourself on the back for ‘taking care’ of me. Concerned that you’ll lose the one person who sticks by, even though you put me on the fucking sidelines every time you find someone more interesting. Why are you the only one allowed to branch out?” His voice was surprisingly controlled as he spoke, even as his fists clenched and heat rose on his neck. He saved his yelling for times when it didn’t matter.

Gansey staggered backward as if he had been hit. Most of his anger had dissipated, his face now torn and confused. “You would really think so lowly of me?” He chewed on his lip as he ruminated, his signature mint leaf missing. “That’s not all you are to me, not at all. I don’t want to‒ to control you. I’m just trying to help!” He slumped down onto Ronan’s bed, and his voice was defeated as he asked, “Why can’t you ever let me help you?”

Ronan fumbled, unsure of how to take this sudden turn in the conversation. He had never talked back to Gansey before, not seriously, but as soon as the words left his mouth, he realized how true they felt. It felt like a revelation, but he didn’t know what to do with it. He wasn’t one to back down, but he also wasn’t one to bear seeing Gansey unhappy.

Those two sides to him were at war, and unfortunately, Ronan knew which side would win.

    Even though he knew what he was getting himself into, he still surrendered to Gansey’s will. It was impossible to explain, and he hated himself for being this way, but he still sat down next to Gansey and leaned his head on the other boy’s shoulder.

    With a sigh, he said, “Why are we like this?”

    Gansey leaned into him, completely second nature at this point. “It’s all we have.”

****

\---

****

“Get up.”

“ _ Urghmmh _ ,” Ronan mumbled incoherently, burying his face in his pillow.

Firmly, Gansey pressed, “ _ Ronan _ .” He tore the pillow from the boy’s grip.

“Hey!” He glared before turning his head back into the mattress. “Go away.”

“No. You have to get up. Take a shower and put on your suit.”

“My suit? Oh,  _ Dick _ , are you taking me to one of your fancy clubs?” He was overly ostentatious as he spoke, his voice high-pitched to sound like a lovestruck girl.   


“Don’t play coy, Lynch. You know what today is.”

Ronan finally sat up fully, and the two of them engaged in a stare-off. Ronan was practiced at glaring, but Gansey was uncharacteristically not backing down.

“Leave me alone,” Ronan finally ceded, tearing his eyes away.

“You and I both know that’s not going to happen.” He glared, and Gansey continued, “I made a promise to you, months ago. And I gave you my word that I wasn’t going to break it, no matter how annoyingly perverse you may be.”

The scowl on Ronan’s face deepened. “It’s not like that. I’m not trying to‒” Then he closed his eyes, anger dissipating just as quickly as it had appeared. “Please, Gansey, just five more minutes.”

Gansey studied him carefully. “Okay. Five more minutes.”

****

\---

****

It was hot as fuck. Why had Gansey insisted on wearing suits in July?

Ronan scratched at his collar, which was already choking him. There was little else in the world that he despised as much as a goddamn suit. He was taken back to his horrid days at Aglionby as he fiddled with his tie. No matter how long he spent without dressing up, he never forgot the suffocating feeling that came with it‒ like riding a bicycle, if that bicycle was actively trying to kill him.

He aimed all of his attention at his distaste for the outfit. They didn’t remember from the funeral where the grave was, so Gansey had to lead them through aisle after aisle until they finally found a humble stone bearing the name  _ Noah Czerny _ .

“There he is,” Gansey murmured, pointlessly. Of course Ronan saw the name. Of course he remembered the glossy gray stone that marked his grave. Of course he recognized the letters engraved into that stone, the date that was so close to the one above it. Too fucking close.

Ronan blinked, and his shaking hands were tracing those dates. His knees were in the dirt, and he couldn’t even remember dropping to the the ground in the first place. All that filled his mind was the creeping feeling of self-hatred. The grooves of Noah’s name had grown dirty from time and weather. How had Ronan let it go on this long without seeing him? How could he have hidden from this? He should have been here every day‒ repenting, apologizing, and isolating himself from everything Noah no longer had the option to partake in. He should have been scrubbing this fucking gravestone clean each day he went without Noah in his life.

Six months. It had really been six months.

“I’m sorry,” Ronan breathed out, trying to blink away the wetness in his eyes.

He felt a hand on his back then, and for one, joyous, twisted moment he thought somehow it was him. But it was only Gansey. Ronan viciously wiped at his face and turned his scowl back on.

“It’s not your fault,” his best friend whispered into his ear. He moved his hand back and forth soothingly.

“You’ll be okay.”

Ronan squeezed his eyes shut. “Stop.”

“Ronan‒”

“I need some time alone with him.”

Gansey sighed, and his resistance at the notion was audible, but he still managed to step away to give Ronan some privacy.

Once Gansey was out of earshot, Ronan slowly turned back to Noah. He pressed his face against the warm stone and exhaled shakily. He had so much to say, but he was never one with words, and so he sat contemplating how to explain everything. Every few seconds he’d turn his head around to make sure Gansey or anyone else wasn’t paying any attention.

“I haven’t forgotten about you,” he finally settled on. “I don’t want you thinking that. This thing with Adam… It’s nothing. I don’t even like him. It’s just, sometimes it’s lonely, with only me, and Gansey, and your shadow creeping into everything.” He winced, immediately regretting his choice of words.

    “That’s unfair. I know. I… I  _ should _ be feeling lonely. It’s wrong to try to meet someone new. I don’t… You don’t deserve… Whatever. It’s not like that with him anyway.”

    He closed his eyes and leaned into the gravestone.

    “I just need to know that you’re okay. That you’ll still‒ still love me. That you’re waiting for me, too. Because there’s only you and me. I promise.”

    As he stood up and rejoined Gansey a little while later, he tried not to think about whether he was trying to convince more than just Noah.

****

\--

****

    “I need a distraction,” Ronan declared as soon as they got back to the apartment. He was already tugging at the tie around his neck.

    “Okay. We could watch a movie, or play a game of pool, or‒”

Ronan pinned him against the wall beside the door. “No,” he said, and his voice grew huskier, “I need a  _ distraction _ .”

Gansey’s eyes widened for a moment before he quickly loosened up and attached his lips to Ronan’s. There was nothing romantic about the kiss, it was all teeth and tongues and harsh breaths. Finally, Gansey was giving him what he wanted: rough, emotionless urgency.

Ronan ground his hips into Gansey’s. He turned off the part of his brain that was reminding him of the last time they’d had sex, and he let his body control him. The less he thought, the better.

Gansey reached for the buttons on his shirt, but Ronan pushed his hand away with a groan.

    “No time for that.” Instead he grabbed at Gansey’s belt, undoing the buckle and tearing open his trousers underneath.

Gansey tilted his head back in pleasure as Ronan slipped a hand under his boxers. “God, you’re so…” He was breathy as hell, yet he had to ruin the moment by adding, “Maybe we should… Maybe we should slow down. You’re not‒ oh  _ God _ . You’re not thinking clearly.” Still, his eyes squeezed shut as he let out an embarrassing whine.

“I’m perfectly fucking sane right now,” Ronan grunted. “Now stop talking.”

And for once, Gansey did exactly as Ronan said. He didn’t say a word, except for the occasional ‘yeah’, or ‘more.’ At one point, he started to moan Ronan’s name, but Ronan quickly shut him up by connecting their lips once more. All we wanted was an escape. To forget who he was, at least for the moment.

The entire ordeal couldn’t have been longer than ten minutes. They didn’t stop to properly undress, so they stayed mostly clothed as Ronan made fast work, not even properly prepping Gansey beforehand. He needed it fast, without any time to really feel anything more than the physical aspect.

As soon as they were both done, Ronan zipped up his pants and retreated to his room, slamming the door closed behind him.

“Wait, Ronan!” he heard Gansey call, still a little breathless. “We should talk about this.”

Ronan locked the door, since he had now learned to expect Gansey barging in uninvited. He allowed himself to squeeze his eyes shut for only a fraction of a second, and then he was rummaging around to find something to drink. He reached for the first bottle he came across, not even bothering to read the label before tipping it back and letting the liquid burn his throat.

All he needed was something to distract himself with. He could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the kind comments on the last chapter. I really appreciate every single one of you. thanks for sticking around for this mess of a story!


	6. conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stop,” he begged. “I‒ it’s too much."

The world was ending. In addition to the pounding in his own head, an earthquake shook the walls around him. At least he could die in the peace of his own room.

“Ronan.”

Oh, wait. That was only the sound of someone knocking on the door.

“Go away, Gansey,” Ronan mumbled, turning over in his bed. He wasn’t even sure if he said it out loud, but surely he must have because he was immediately met with a reply.

“Gansey isn’t here,” the voice said quietly.

Ronan tensed at the familiar sound. He recognized that voice, that softness with an ounce of Southern twang to it.

“Can I see you?” Adam asked. His gentleness was a stark contrast to the behavior he’d grown to expect from Gansey‒ constantly banging on the door and demanding he open up and get his act together. Adam didn’t demand anything; he never took what someone wasn’t willing to give.

“I don’t want to talk,” Ronan grunted.

“Who said anything about talking?”

Ronan relaxed a little, biting his lip as he mulled it over. He tried to sit up but was quickly dragged down by a wave of exhaustion.

“I‒” Ronan sighed, annoyed with his own uselessness. “I don’t think I can get to the door.”

There was a pause on the other end of the door as Adam seemingly contemplated his options. Ronan thought for a moment to be embarrassed, but he was too tired to consider it for more than a few seconds.

Tentatively, Adam asked, “How would you feel if I picked your lock?”

Ronan blinked. “Uh. Fine, I guess?”

    A few minutes later, after rummaging around the apartment for a paperclip or whatever it was people picked locks with‒ break ins weren’t really Ronan’s M.O. when it came to rebellion‒  Adam cautiously peered his head in.

    The light forcing its way in from outside the door burned his eyes, and he recoiled back into his pillow. Hissing felt appropriate, but he didn’t want to be overkill.

Shutting the door behind him, Adam wandered in and sat down at the edge of the bed. Ronan reluctantly turned and opened his eyes, once again staring into the familiar darkness.

“You look like shit.”

“Thanks, Parrish.”

“Do you know how many days you’ve been in here?”

Ronan didn’t, and he didn’t want to, so he went for a non sequitur. “Where’d you learn how to pick a lock?” Adam sighed a little, but he didn’t protest. He folded his hands, then unfolded them, then finally settled on folding. “When I was younger…” He scratched the back of his head, of course unfolding those damn hands again in the process. “My dad. If I acted up or pissed him off or something, he used to lock me out of the house. It didn’t matter if it was cold, or raining, or… Anyway, I learned my way ‘round the lock. I’d wait until my parents were asleep before letting myself in so that I could sleep in my bed for a few hours before he woke up again.”

It was silent for a few moments as Ronan’s sluggish brain tried to come up with something decent to say after such a vulnerable offering. He wanted to thank Adam for trusting him, but that sounded like too much bullshit for even him, so he stayed silent. Adam was still, staring blankly ahead with a practiced concealment of any emotion.

“I guess everyone’s a little fucked up then, huh?” Ronan finally settled on. Adam let out a breath and glanced over at Ronan with a sheepish sort of appreciation.

“Some of us handle it better than others.” He looked pointedly at Ronan, who rolled his eyes and tugged at his blanket. “Must be pretty bad then, if you’re this hung up about it.”

Ronan sighed and studied him, trying to get a read on his motives. Was he here on reconnaissance, sent by Gansey to investigate the helpless disappointment, or was he genuinely worried about him?

“It’s harder out there,” he finally mumbled. Adam looked up sharply, as if he hadn’t really expected a reply.

Faint eyebrows drawn, he asked, “How?”

    Ronan closed his eyes. He couldn’t bear to look at Adam; he felt as if he’d explode if he let himself stare for too long.

“It’s wrong,” Ronan started. He had never been eloquent, and talking about his own feelings was an embarrassing unfamiliarity. “Acting like everything is normal when… When…”

    “What?” Adam whispered, his voice nearer than before, but Ronan kept his eyes squeezed shut.

    “It’s my fault.” It came out as a breath‒ airy and rushed, surely unnoticed if Adam hadn’t gotten so damn close‒ and a tightness spun its way through Ronan’s chest, tying his stomach in knots. The blackness beneath his closed lids twisted until all he could see was his face. That face, lifeless and cold, forever stuck in that slight frown.

    “Ronan,” Adam said firmly, trying to reel him in before he got lost in the deep end.

    But now he could hear his name shouted from another time, another voice.

_     “Ronan,” he had shouted. “Enough!” He had never shouted, never at Ronan at least. The only time he raised his voice was for the dumb shit he and Ronan got up to, like yelling out made-up scores to boarders at the skatepark or screaming embarrassing phrases at Gansey from the fire escape. They had never fought, not like this. _

    Echoing his exact words from that night, he said, “I didn’t mean to...” He was rocking back and forth now, too unaware of his present self to do anything about it.

_     It was bullshit‒ just as Noah claimed and Ronan knew. But he didn’t mean for it to get so out of hand. Noah didn’t understand. Yes, he lied, but not for the reason Noah thought. He didn’t do anything wrong. _

    He didn’t do anything wrong.

_     No. That, too, was a lie. He just hadn’t known it yet. That night, he made the biggest mistake of his life. If only he had just told the truth earlier. If only he could have pacified Noah somehow, calmed him down before anything bad could happen. If only he had just stopped him from walking out of that damn door. If only if only if only. _

    “Ronan, stop!” He was being shaken now. “Open your eyes, come on. You’re scaring me.”

    “I’m sorry,” Ronan murmured, the shadow of a sob in his throat.

    “Come on,” Adam repeated, gentler this time, as he placed a warm hand on his cheek. Slowly, Ronan coaxed his eyes open, not nearly as jarred as he expected, thanks to the darkness of the room.

“I told him to leave,” Ronan whispered.

“Your boyfriend?” Adam replied, confused but trying to hide it. Ronan wondered how he even knew about Noah, but of course he knew the answer: Gansey.

“You don’t get it. I  _ told him to leave _ .” Adam was still trying to understand, and Ronan grew exasperated, shouting, “That night! That fucking night! We fought and I told him to go. I told him if he was so fucking sure, he should just go already. I didn’t want to see him anymore. He wasn’t even‒ he wasn’t even my boyfriend when he died!”

His voice broke at the last sentence, and he cut himself off. He’d never told anyone that one major detail, not even Gansey. The guilt and shame and regret were all too much; he couldn’t even admit to himself that Noah died thinking they were over, and the last time they’d ever see each other was when they were breaking up.

“I… I’m sorry,” Adam said. “I know that’s bullshit and it doesn’t help anything, but that’s how I feel. I’m sorry that you think what happened is your fault, and I’m sorry that you think drinking yourself half to death will fix it, and I’m sorry that you’re hurting and that I want you to be happy and that you don’t seem to want me to want you. I just… I’m sorry.”

    “Stop,” he begged. “I‒ it’s too much. I can’t think about any of that right now.”

    “What  _ can _ you think about? It seems like you’re trying awfully hard to forget, when what you really should be doing is remembering.” His voice was even, but Ronan could feel his frustration.

    “Oh, fuck you. Like you know everything. You have no idea what it’s like.”

    “And you don’t let me! I’m trying to help you and all you do is push me away. You can’t expect to get better if you can’t even acknowledge what happened. You lost your favorite person, and it hurts like hell, but if you had someone to talk to‒”

    “No!” Ronan interrupted. “I’m not fucking ‘talking it out.’ It’s not that simple.”

    Adam scoffed. “Of course it’s not that simple. But it’s a start. Have you ever thought maybe, just maybe, we have something in common? You ever think I blame myself for all the bad shit that’s happened to me, that a part of me  _ still _ thinks it’s my fault?”

    Ronan averted his eyes. “That’s different.”

    “How?”

    “‘Cause that shit wasn’t actually your fault. It’s psychological manipulation or trauma or whatever the hell you want to call it. But Noah wouldn’t have gotten into that car all worked up if not for me, and he wouldn’t have been distracted, and he wouldn’t have been‒ he wouldn’t have been hit by that fucking‒ he wouldn’t have‒”

    “Ronan.” He was getting worked up again, having a hard time breathing. “You can’t blame yourself for that. It had nothing to do with how distracted he was. That truck would’ve hit even the most focused driver.” Ronan flinched, and Adam cautiously put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. “I know it’s hard to think about it, trust me. But nothing you could’ve done would have stopped it from happening. Okay?”

    Ronan shook his head. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t accept it, even if Adam made perfect sense. It couldn’t be undone just like that‒ a snap of Adam’s fingers and away with all the shame that had chased him for months. The weight was still pressing down on him, not to be lifted anytime soon.

    “I think you should leave,” he said, but it was as if the words were coming from a stranger’s mouth. He didn’t actually want Adam to leave, at least he didn’t think he did. How was it that he always managed to do the exact opposite of what he wanted?

    “Ronan, you can’t just stay locked up in your room for the rest of your life, or else there won’t be much left.” Ronan scoffed as if to say  _ so what? _ , and Adam pressed on, “You really think you’d be the only one affected? You have people who genuinely care about you. Don’t throw that away.” He seemed like he was trying not to appear resentful, and Ronan wondered why. He didn’t think his fucked up life was anything worthy of his jealousy.

    “Look,” he conceded. “I’ll get up. I’ll shower. What the fuck ever. I’m not gonna fucking kill myself the second you walk out. I just want you to leave.”

Hurt splashed across Adam’s face, but he stood. “Okay,” he allowed. “I’ll go. Call me if you need‒ call me whenever.”

“Okay.” No way was he going to call.

Adam hesitated, lingering by the door. He seemed to be fighting with himself, debating whether to say something else or not. In the end,  he simply added, “You don’t have to let it get this bad again. You’re allowed to be okay.”

“Okay,” Ronan said, looking away now because he couldn’t return Adam’s gaze and keep his face together. He waited until the door clicked shut until he finally let out a breath. A twisted thought tried to sneak its way into his mind, which he tried to block out.

What if it was easier for him to accept the guilt than accept that he couldn’t have done anything to stop it?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for such a short chapter after such a long time. it's been a crazy month. three days after i was discharged from a mental health hospital, my dad passed away. i feel like every time i update on here i'm apologizing for some catastrophe in my life, but yea... it's been a rough year. silver lining though: i don't really sleep anymore, so i should have more time to write. i feel like this fic hasn't been as good as i was hoping but i might start another one when this is finished (or possibly sooner), idk. i have so many ideas but then when i try to write them, voila- it's complete shit. hopefully i'll be able to turn this fic around though because i am still stubbornly in love with it. we shall see. stay tuned

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading if anyone got this far! this is probably supremely shitty, so I apologize. if anyone would like to help me out with editing/making sure I don't totally butcher these characters, I'd very much appreciate you


End file.
